Biblical Parenting

With the understanding that some may begin to feel that this site is becoming too eclectic, I am having a difficult time restraining myself from confronting and refuting the rather obvious errors in logic that some "Christians" have made in the context of Biblical training. This is a long post, but then again, the title of this blog includes "Rants and Ravings", and that is pretty much what this is, albeit, not related directly to technology. I just had to get this off my chest.

Some of you may be familiar with the book "To Train up a Child" by Michael and Debbi Pearl. In my opinion, this book is a must-read for all new parents. In fact, I would encourage every parent (new and old) to read and heed most every piece of advice in this book. Newer parents will more than likely reap greater benefits from the book than older parents (i.e. those with older children), but at least the parents with older children will finally realize why their children didn't turn out so well (assuming that is the case).

My wife recently sent me a link to a website that was apparently some ill-conceived attempt at dismantling the Biblical principles behind the Pearl's book. I'm including the link below, because if I didn't you would probably think that I'm making this up. It is sad, but true that there really are "Christians" out there who attempt to coerce God's Word into saying something that they would be more "comfortable" doing, instead of accepting the truth of God's word and obeying it.

Here's the link, but keep in mind that this should in no way be construed as an endorsement of the site: http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/notrain.htm

What I'd like to do is to go through some of the more egregious errors in the site by quoting them and discuss what is logically wrong with the arguments presented. Here goes...

The Hebrew word which is translated as "Train" in Proverbs 22:6 is kha-nokh. When I cut and paste the real Hebrew into the Hebrew-English Dictionary, it shows these words "to guide, to tutor, to educate ; (biblical) to teach" as well as "to inaugurate, to dedicate, to consecrate" as the NIV translation mentions. You can try it for yourself using the links I provided.

In the first paragraph, the author clearly admits that the word "Train" means to guide, to tutor, to educate or to teach. By the very definitions of guidance, education, and teaching, there implies a process by which the "trainee" must succumb in order for that education to be successful. As I recollect my educational history and the educational history of my siblings and peers, there rings true one common thread: pain avoidance. What is it that motivated each of us to do well in school? The motivation for me (and I believe most everyone else) was two-fold: I wanted to feel the reward of success and I wanted to avoid the pain of failure. More often than not it was the fear of failure that kept pushing me to do better. Was I ever slapped on the wrist for getting a bad grade? No, of course not, but the pain of failure was real nonetheless. In the same sense, we as parents must find both a source of reward for proper behavior in our children and at the same time a real pain that a child can understand for improper behavior. I reiterate that this is in the context of behavior not relating to disobedience. Since a young child is not developed psychologically enough to understand the emotions intertwined with success and failure, it is necessary to provide "baser" forms of punishment (i.e. providing a painful stimulus). This in no way means that the parent is abusing or beating the child! Just as God never gives us anything more than we can handle, we parents must also never give our children more punishment than they can bear.

In the same verse, "Child" is Na-ar, which translates as "youth, youngster, adolescent ; (law) minor; (biblical) servant, armsbearer." This word does not appear to be used for infants, nor very young children. Everything I have found in the Bible which refers to discipline refers to youth, adolescents and adults.

I also take issue with the paragraph above in that most of the statement is conjecture rather than Biblical fact. If you look up the word "Child" in Strong's Hebrew Dictionary, it actually states, "a boy, from the age of infancy to adolescence; a girl of similar latitude in age". Let this be a lesson to us that we be like the Bereans who searched the scriptures to see if those things were so, instead of just taking someone else's word (spoken or written) and accept it for truth. The second reason I take issue with this paragraph is the last sentence. Remember that training and discipline are two separate practices: the Pearl's make a clear distinction between training and discipline. Proverbs 22:6 is in the context of training, not discipline. While it is true that you may not need to discipline an infant, it is true that you should train that infant early. Of course, you have to use a little common sense here too. You shouldn't start training an infant until he or she can actually respond to the stimuli (i.e. they are crawling or walking). Just to be clear, the I would never advocate the training of a child (using painful stimuli) at less than 6-7 months. In some cases it may make sense to wait until they are a year old, but it depends on the physical and psychological development of the child. If you wait until they are two or three, however, you've waited too long, and you will reap the consequences of your error.

My husband says that even The Old Testament does say to hit children, it also says to sacrifice animals and to stone rebellious teenagers (and other sinners). So, anyone who spanks their children is living under the Law and therefore, not under Grace. If we are living by Grace, we must apply grace to our children.

The argument presented above is eerily similar to the argument that some people use to claim that the ten commandments are no longer relevant to our society. The Old Testament says that we should not commit murder or adultery, but it also says that we should sacrifice animals and stone rebellious teenagers. Does that mean that murder and adultery are okay, because the law is passed away and we are now under grace? God forbid! Why do we view grace as a license to do the things that are more convenient and comfortable for us? Instead, we should view grace as the license to be free from sin while we live in obedience to God. Is it gracious to allow your child to do whatever he or she wants without constraint? No, and neither does God let us do everything we want without constraint. By the way, discipline is covered in great detail all throughout the Bible (not just in the Old Testament).

God does not have a rod in His hand to hit us with it every time we don't obey. He punishes us by our own consequences. For instance, God says, "Don't go to your right or to your left, stay on the straight and narrow path which are my commandments and if you don't, you will suffer the consequences." He gives us our own free will to decide how we will respond, he does not want robots. Nor should we train our children to be like robots, obeying without thinking. If our children do not obey, we have to explain to them what we require and why. We take away privileges when they don't obey, as God does to us. He takes privileges away from us when we are disobedient. He only does this with His children. The ungodly may prosper, but when God's children disobey, they suffer the consequences. That is the way that God scourges us. (Hebrews 12:6-8) Who are God's children? The ones who have The Holy Spirit. (Romans 8:14) And who has the Holy Spirit? Those who have have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior. (Acts 2:38)

I really do not know how else to comment on this logic, except to say that it is simply stupid. What about Jesus and the money changers in the temple? What about Hebrews 12:6, "For whom the Lord loveth he chaseneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." The interesting thing about this verse is that the word "chaseneth" actually refers to training, while the word "scourgeth" literally means "to flog". In other words, God Himself realizes that for us to have a right relationship with him, it will require both training and discipline. By the way, God does not simply punish us by our own consequences. God does hold a rod in His hand, but the difference between us and Him is that he is far more patient with us as adults, because we have already been trained (hopefully) to come back to Him in repentence for mercy. If we as parents were to take the proposal that we punish our children solely by the natural consequences of their actions, we would have a lot of dead children today. "Johnny, don't go in the road... Johnny disobeys... Johnny, come back here, right now!... Johnny disobeys... car comes..." The natural consequence is that Johnny will die as a result of being hit by the car. I know for a fact that no parent in his right mind is going to allow that consequence to take place if the parent had the opportunity to stop it.

In elementary school we dared not talk in class for fear of getting our ears tweaked or our hands slapped with a ruler. In junior and senior high school we dared not disobey for fear of detention. In college, we dared not disobey for fear of demerits and ultimately expulsion or suspension. What would the entire educational process be like without the threat of those punishments along the way? The answer is unfortunately clearly seen in today's public educational system: students who have little to no respect for authority, gangs, murders, rapes, and so on. Given the preceding statements, it is clear that punishment or "negative behavior modification" is a part of the education process, however, it is important to remember that it is only part of the process. It would appear from the author's viewpoint that the Pearl's book is suggesting that the only thing a parent do is constantly spank their child. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you catch nothing else from this post, catch this... Biblical forms of discipline and training do not work unless a parent first establishes and maintains a loving, nurturing relationship with his or her child. The act of Biblical discipline (as opposed to the world's "equivalent") can only be carried out in a spirit of meekness and love for the child.

Unfortunately, the website goes on with more ridiculous ideas and philosophies that I do not have the time to refute right now. I will end with this thought. If you are a parent who has "tried" the Pearl's (I should say, the Biblical) method of child training and discipline and you feel like you have not seen success, then may I suggest that you really haven't developed and nurtured a real loving relationship with your child? I know that sounds rather harsh, but without love and a grieving spirit toward your child's sin, discipline will only serve to control the childs outward behavior. It is the combination of love and proper training and discipline that will win your child's attitude and win your child's heart to the Lord. Keep in mind that as parents, we are only stewards of a gift that God has given us. Train them the way that God would have you to train them: train them to love God.